Death and a Child’s Heart

Death is what it is— some folks say.  We all have to die one day.  In reality, those words flow from the mouths of folks browsing through the obituaries but know not one. The people they belong to are in awful pain.  They’re not reading the obituary today. 

Flip Script:

Your loved one died.  You’re in pain.  Do you have children? Something’s wrong. Emotions in a flavor you’ve never tasted.  Nevermind the obituaries today or any other day.  Just can’t stand seeing your loved one’s picture in that place.  Do you have children? What are you going to do?  What are you going to say?  How are you going to help them accept this?  Children do not read obituaries.  They read the comics.  They know their love isn’t coming home.

Death is so unnatural, but it can be a friend—especially if it stopped suffering and pain from running through the loved one’s veins like a running river without cease. Now that one is free, but what about the living left behind?   

The obituary is no longer a browse through.  It’s too painful for you. Do you have children?  Are you in too much pain to talk to them?  Children are beating hearts.  Now what will they do?  Rely on you, but you’re grieving too hard.  What will the children do? 

Form an opinion of you and all the players in the scene—even music that used to be melodic is now grating on the ears and weighty on the heart.  You do not understand because you didn’t consider the children’s hearts—inundated with pain—day after day. 

Children feel pain. They are not ready for the players.  This is not a game.  You didn’t allow them to feel their pain. You did absurd things because you, the adult, were in pain.  What makes your pain greater than theirs?  Fear.

Time has passed.  The children are now adults.  They are not walking to your flow.  Doing things you don’t understand.  A child has a way of turning the channel on pain.  The pain is not gone—just swept under the carpet. 

Delayed pain shows its ugly face.  They can’t escape.  They now face the reality of losing their beloved in death.  How many mistakes?  How many?  Selling  a child short because you are grieving is like burying the beloved with a blank tombstone. Hey, the person did live, had a name, a social security card.  And you ask yourself why the childgrowns are acting odd.

Please take this into consideration when you look at them today. 

Today is: Forgive your children’s day.

Vivian Dixon Sober©
All Rights Reserved

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5 thoughts on “Death and a Child’s Heart

  1. Dear Ms. Sober: Your are an excellent writer and poetess. I wish I could write well as you. I read your article about Death and a child’s heart. I was wondering, how long do you think a parent(s) should put up with their child(ren) holding their parent(s) for errors or past mistakes that were made as the child(ren) were growing up? I thought I did everything I could to provide for my child(ren) and they just keep bringing up matters that were in the past. I call it holding grudges. What is your advice?

    • Hello Indigo-Royal,

      First, thank you for your comment and your question. It makes me happy to know that you enjoy my work. I believe if you can think, you can write. I also ask the perfect writer to stand so we can see the perfect man (this includes women and children). It is not good to compare yourself to others when you write. Therefore, I am saying you can write. Now I am going to answer your question with my opinion.

      Parenting is absolutely the hardest job I’ve ever embraced. I made plenty of mistakes, but I did the best I could at the time considering my circumstances, experience, and emotional health. As parents, we cannot give our children what we, ourselves, do not possess. As a result, children point fingers at us.

      Therefore, they are simply confirming that we, parents, make mistakes. At what point are they responsible for their own actions and their life NOW? This doesn’t mean that we do not owe them explanations at times for our actions. There are people in my family who do not believe in discussing the past. “Let dead dogs lie,” they say. I, however, disagree.

      It sounds like you have answered your children’s questions for your mistakes. Did they hear you? Did they accept your answers? Because they keep bringing up ‘matters that were in the past,’ it doesn’t sound like they heard you. What else is there for you to do?

      Everybody is grown, and the time is gone. They can not be re-raised. I am sure if we, parents, knew then what we know now, we would handle the challenge of child rearing differently, and I believe they would still have complaints against us.

      As for grudges, we all have to learn to let go. My advice to you is live your life, and let them live theirs. This doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It means you are not on trial, you don’t travel with Guilt Trip, and that you love yourself too much to spend the rest of your life living in the past.

      I hope this helps you.

      vivian dixon sober

      • Dear Ms. Sober: Thank you for your excellent advice. Your words are always so timely. Parenting is a hard job. I forgave my child(ren) the way that they have expressed themselves. However, forgiveness goes both ways. I compare forgiveness regarding my child(ren) as riding on a Carousel. The carousel starts off slow. You see all the beautiful horses, mirrors, hardwood flooring, and seated benches. As I go on this ride, it goes a liitle faster then in reverse. All of a sudden the carousel start to go foward again. Now, I have to make a decision. Do I get off and I am uneffected by this ride, or do I get off and make it to the nearest garbage can and throw up, or do I just walk away and be uneffected by what just happened? I haven’t finished my carousel ride, but I will let you know what happened in the near future. Keep on writing and I appreciate you taking the time to answer my request.

      • I love your illustration because I understand it. I have struggled with negative emotions toward people who hurt me. However, when I got sick, I recognized that I must take care of me.

        It is clear that people are self consumed. I must forgive folks and move forward.

        In my opinion, forgiveness is not always two-sided. It is not always reciprocated.

        I forgive people because I don’t want to sabotage myself. It is for me to heal. I want to have clean hands, which means I have done all that I can to seek peace, but I can’t change anyone’s opinion of me.

        Regarding our kids, some relationships can’t be restored because of the severity of the scars left on one’s heart.
        I will not pursue pain. It is arduous and hard on one’s entire being.

        You understand that in life we must live with the decisions we make. Nothing is harder than being a parent, but when childgrowns start to affect your health, it’s evaluation time.

        Thank you, and just know that you and many parents share a common thread. Everyone has a method. That’s all.

        Writing is just one of mine.

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